Zombie Boners
by korr
Summary: Nothing short of death could keep Charles from his boys. Even then, death was only a temporary setback. Slash. Zombies. Puns.
1. Chapter 1

AN: People seem to like "Decree of Fate" so I thought I would post more of my fic from LJ. This was also written for Brutal Business's Nathan/Charles month.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warning(s): Zombies, boners, ED, and bad jokes

Zombie Boners

--

Being dead is not quite the haze of confusion I expected. I remember the moments leading up to my death with perfect clarity. The crossbow bolt, the knife pressed to my face. Nathan and his heroic rescue with a flaming board. But it's too late. I'm already dead. Luckily I have a contingency plan in place.

After the funeral a few handpicked Klokateers come for the body. They deliver me to a well stocked remote lair where they can work in peace. I'm not really aware of any of this, what with being dead and all, but I know it's what must have happened. I've had it planed out for years now. Back up plans for my back up plans.

It takes the Klokateers longer than expected to bring me back. Three months have passed since I died and I can only hope Dethklok is fine without me. Being undead takes some getting used to and it is two more months before I am able to move without a noticeable zombie lurch. A particularly repugnant cocktail of drugs is needed to banish my rotted pallor and return a now artificial flush to my checks. My heart will never beat again. I am pleased to note that I feel no craving for brains. No craving for any food really. No more having to stop in the middle of important paper work for lunch. That will be nice.

Taking advantage of being dead, I devote the last few months to spying on possible threats. When you're dead, no one suspects you. Finally though, word reaches me of Dethklok's financial difficulties. I can no longer put off my coming out.

After my grand entrance the band seems anxious to get on with life and pretend I was never gone. This suits me just fine. They don't really mention my absence but from what I can tell they seem to think I faked my own death and have been hiding from them (and the rest of the world) for nine months. Do they really think I would be so cruel as to leave them if I didn't absolutely have to?

For awhile everything is fine. I fall back into my old patterns. The boys do something mind numbingly stupid and I clean up their mess. No one suspects a thing. Until Nathan.

See, before the accident Nathan and I had kind of a thing going on. It wasn't a very specific thing, we never gave it a name, but it was our thing. And I rather liked it. There are some limitations to being undead. With no circulation there are some parts that just don't work like they used to. Who knew being dead would put such a damper on my sex life. If Nathan and I start our thing back up again he'd know in an instant. But it's hard to stay away. He gives me the saddest look the first time I walk out of the conference room without taking him up on his wordless offer. In all honesty it is the first time I've ever refused him. After the fourth time he seems to get the message. At least he stops coming round my office at odd hours or waiting for me after band meetings.

Just as well, I'm sure there are plenty of live groupies more than happy to warm his bed. I can't warm anything anymore. I put it out of my mind. As far as I know he's completely forgotten about me.

Until now.

"Nathan, what are you doing?!"

It's late and he has surprised me. He moves silently to my side of the desk and spins my chair to face him. His eyes are focused intently on me. Not for the first time I realizes how much I miss being the object of such intense focus. I can see him struggling to find the words.

"You don't eat. Any more. Not once since you've been back."

I'm trapped under his questioning gaze, unable to answer.

"And you know, we haven't....."

He just sort of trails off looking a little hurt. If my heart wasn't already dead it would be breaking.

"Nathan, things happened while I was gone," I try to explain. "Things I can't talk about. Things I can't change."

He looks even more hurt at my half assed explanation.

"So while you were dead you meet someone new. Someone you know, smart and not a fucking idiot. Someone better."

He moves to release me. I grab for his arm without even thinking about it.

"No! Nathan, there's no one else. I thought about you the whole time I was gone. I, uh, missed you. It's just..."

I trail off, unsure of how to continue. How do you tell your lover that you and your love life are now effectively dead?

He leans back in and for the first time since rising from the dead he touches me. There is a look of recognition at the unfamiliar chilling sensation. Regardless he leans into kiss me. For the first time since coming back I am glad my heart no longer beats for it would have burst at the tenderness of this simple act. The kiss is light, nothing more than the briefest press of lips but he knows something is wrong.

"You're cold...?"

But his hands are cupping my checks again and if I could breath his next kiss would have stolen my breath away. After a minute we break apart. He looks down at me, still serious.

"Ah, You're not breathing, are you?" I don't know why I thought I could keep this from him. "You, uh, didn't survive that assassination attempt, did you?"

I shake my head no, unable to speak. There is a foreign wetness to my check. Funny, I didn't think the undead could cry. Then I smell the embalming fluid. Ah, that makes more sense.

"After the funeral some Klokateers collected me and brought me back. I'm, ah, sorry I was gone for so long, it took them awhile to bring me back."

Nathan is shocked. He looks for a place to sit down. He settles for the floor with a loud thud. "You're dead. Again."

I don't really know how to explain it. "Not really dead more like... Undead. Like a zombie."

He looks comically frightened at this. His hands fly up to protect his brain.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to eat your brain." I make a exasperated sigh and I can tell the earlier heaviness is dissipating.

Nathan laughs and stands back up. He moves back to hover over me, nuzzling my cold check.

"Bet that comes in handy in the summer."

We both have a laugh and for a moment everything feels normal.

"Does this mean we're uh, okay."

I have to tell him the other problem.

"There, uh was an... unexpected complication with the procedure."

He looks confused. Normally I try not to use so many big words in front of him.

"As a, uh, side effect, certain things just aren't working."

He's tilted his head like a confused dog. I might as well just show him. It's easier that way. I lean in and give him the sort of kiss that before the accident would have left us both hard and panting. As it is now, only one of us is in such a state. I move his hand to the front of my pants and kiss him again in the same way. The light bulb goes off.

"I thought dead guys were supposed to be, you know, stiff?"

If I could blush I would. As it is I settle for shifty embarrassment.

"Rigor mortis disappears after a few days."

He gives my cock a few more experimental rubs. Nothing. I could die of embarrassment on the spot, except you know, already dead.

"We've got, like, doctors and scientist. I'm stinking rich. Can't they, like, do something?"

"Nathan, there are better ways to spend your money than searching for the zombie alterative to Viagra."

A light bulb goes off.

"I've just had the best idea for a song. All these zombies running around, only with boners. Brutal."

He gets up to leave, anxious to write down the new idea before he forgets. He gives me a parting kiss and I suppose that we shall have to figure this all out later.


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: further discussion of ED and vomiting

Zombie Boners II: "Operation Raise the Dead"

--

It had taken a few months but Nathan had been completely serious about finding a cure. He put Mordhaus' best scientists on it. He poured a small fortune into what was being euphemistically called "Operation Raise the Dead".

The rest of the band was starting to take notice and Charles wanted as few people as possible to know he was really dead.

Turns out to have been a moot point. Toki's father had taught him all about exorcisms and The-Demons-That-Walk-The-Earth-Among-Us. He knew the seven warning signs of the living dead when he saw one.

Toki never could keep a secret and as soon as he knew, the whole band knew. They didn't care. Having a living dead CFO just made them even more metal. But Charles saw to it that none of the Klokateers found out. Or the deaddy bear would get it.

Only the most trusted of the scientists knew the reason for their research. The rest of them just thought it was another one of Dethklok's crazy whims.

Charles and Nathan's sex life had been different. As the saying goes, the sprit was willing but the flesh was weak. Charles still felt all the things he used to feel. Kissing Nathan still took his breath away. When he gave him that look through the tangled mess of his hair after a concert he still wanted to jump his bones. But he body just wouldn't cooperate.

Needless to say, he was feeling just the least bit frustrated.

Things would always start off good. Kissing hadn't changed in the least and not having to breath turned out to be more of a plus. Nathan too, had found a few fringe benefits in a lover that never needed to come up for air. But then he'd try to reciprocate and that's when things got frustrating.

It didn't matter what they tried it just wouldn't work.

The band had no concept of private, so it wasn't long before they were all offering suggestions. Charles could have just died.(if it wasn't already a moot point.)

Pickles had suggested oysters and Charles had vomited black blood for an hour. Turns out zombies didn't feel hungry for a reason. On the plus side they had their next album cover.

Toki's suggestion had been an adorably innocent massage and while it hadn't worked Charles had found the whole thing enjoyable and an experiment worth repeating. Nathan was less impressed.

Skwisgaar had offered a night with his three favorite groupies and it had taken a very pissed off Nathan to explain the many flaws with that plan.

Murderface was the only one with a halfway decent suggestion of mercurochrome.(God bless his obscure knowledge of the Civil War) Even dead, Charles knew better than to chug mercury but a tentative sub dermal injection showed promising results.

Whatever the cost, Nathan was determined to keep throwing money at this problem till someone fixed it and life could get back to what passed for normal.


	3. Chapter 3

Zombie Boners III: "The Dead have (Finally) Risen"

--

If Charles never has another man in a lab coat poking at his dick, it will be too soon. Charles has never been so embarrassed, for such an extended period of time, in his whole life. Which is an exceptionally true statement as it is now his afterlife. After almost 36 straight hours of poking and prodding and at one point having an honest to god electrode strapped to his damn dick, he is done. It's not perfect, but it works, and that is really what matters.

Nathan had to be sent off to accept an award for Dethklok's latest hit, Zombie Boners, which has sold so many copies they needed to invent a new number to quantify it. Charles is thankful, as it kept Nathan out of the room for all the embarrassing tests. Charles never would have lived it down (Ha!) if Nathan had witnessed him hooked up to a million blinking machines, jacking off in front of a team of fugly-ass doctors taking measurements. Frankly, _Charles_ wishes he hadn't been in the room for that. It is an experience that will haunt his nightmares, even more that his half remembered impressions of being dead.

The important part is that, for the first time in over a year, it works and Nathan will be home soon.

Charles called the Klokateer in charge of air traffic control to confirm that yes, the dethcopter will be landing any minute now.

The dethcopter landed and the whole band piled out, brandishing some award and chatting sloppily, as they always do. One of the more pleasant side effects of undeath was that since the whole band knew about them, Charles could walk right up to Nathan and kiss him as he disembarked. Charles was just itching to throw his arms around the other man, tell him the good news and whisper dirty, dirty things into his ear.

His plans were thwarted when Nathan stepped off the dethcopter, giving Charles only a cursory peck on the check and announced, loudly, that he wanted a sandwich.

"A big one, with seven pounds of meat, covered in explosion sauce. Those fucking horse orders sucked."

Charles tried to calm his disappointment. Remember, Nathan was alive and sometimes the living need to eat. That was probably the thing Charles liked most about being undead. If it weren't for all the added complications he would have done this years ago, just to get out of lunch meetings.

Charles dutifully followed the boys into the kitchen, waiting for an opportunity to tell Nathan the good news. Just because the rest of Dethklok kept no secrets from each other, didn't mean Charles wanted to announce his shiny new dick to the world at large.

He waited patiently while Jean Perrier made them all mile high sandwiches. When they sat down in the kitchen, Charles was sure to grab the seat next to Nathan. He figured a few whispered words were all it would take to encourage Nathan to eat fast and come away with him. But before he could lean in Toki tugged at his sleeve.

It turned out to be a genuinely intelligent question on the matter of Dethklok finances and by the time Charles turned his attention back to Nathan, Nathan was just getting up.

"I have to go take a leak."

That was fine. Living people did that and Charles had to learn to be tolerant of other people's differences.

"Why don't you just piss in the corner? The bathroom is way down the hall." advised Murderface. For the first time ever Charles found himself almost hoping that someone would listen to Murderface.

"Don't be gross, Dude. I'll be back in a minute."

After what felt like a small eternity, Nathan showed back up.

Charles was about ready to bang his head on the table. Okay this time nothing was going to stop him from telling Nathan the good news. Nathan was going to sit down and Charles was going to lean in and tell him and then they were going to run off and fuck like bunnies. Nothing was going to distract Charles. No more interruptions. No more distraction.

"Oh, hey, what's this?"

Right before Nathan reached the table he veered off to examine a fancy smoothie maker. If there were veins left to twitch in Charles' forehead they would have been.

"ALRIGHT, that's it!" Charles stood up and started shouting. "I absolutely demand that you cease this nonsense RIGHT NOW and pay attention to me!"

All eyes turned toward Charles. The tantrum was so very out of out character that it halted all other conversation. Charles had Nathan's undivided attention, along with the rest of the group. Charles had the good grace to look chagrined at his outburst.

"I, err, saw the doctor today."

A slow grin spread across Nathan's face. He could see where this was going.

"So they fixed you?"

"Sort of. Kind of. Not exactly, but it's good enough."

Nathan cheered and went to pick up his little manager. He put Charles back down instantly.

"What the hell, you weigh a ton?"

Charles had suffered so many indignities the last few days that the embarrassment of such a casual insult to his weight barely even registered.

"Yes, well, they've replaced all the fluid in my body with mercury and it's added quite a few pounds to my weight."

"Are you telling me that you bleed metal?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to cum metal now too?"

"I hope not, that would be poisonous."

Charles knew that look.

"I've just had the best idea for a song."

"Focus, Nathan! We have body parts to test drive, then you can write your song."

Nathan grinned and slung Charles over his shoulder. He may have been heavier but he hadn't weighed that much to begin with.

"Fine, but don't come crying to me when I'm off looking for my tape recorder instead of snuggling after sex."

THE END


End file.
